I watch the second hand slowly tick tock transforming each second into
an hour and I stand still. I am so confused and I wait for the unknown and
allow the uncertainties and anxieties to flood me completely clouding my judgement
as it consumes me entirely,
I feel like my time is almost up.
That this is the beginning of the end and I close my eyes and see my
life flash before me, childhood years merging into teenage tears,
Glorious
rebirth, wedding bells bliss, laughter and baby cries and the endless sighs.
This feels like the end. With someone there in the shadows holding a gun to my head playing
Russian roulette with my life like I'm a game board and in-between the trigger
being pulled and barrel going bang all I hear is tick-tock, tick-tock,
tick-tock.
The sentence of my life is all mudded up and the full stop is not where
it should be. Surely there is more to me and my life story. Chapters waiting to
be written with endless plots and conflicts and me as the main character aiming
for my goals.
But I am frozen, not stuck in the realms of make belief of Walt Disney,
I am glued into a place for what seems to be an eternity.
And all I want to do is let it go, let it go, let it go...
This feeling that’s
stopping me from being in the place
I know I should be. And each time I try to break free all hear echoing into the hollows of
my eardrum is the sounds of tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
For months I have been daily placing a brick in front of me allowing the
wall to be built up, it standing about 20 feet tall. A true work of art, I had
no idea I was such a great builder. It stops me from going anywhere and does
not allow anything to enter in. Nothing is invading my personal world. The wall
is my sugar coated comfort zone, a welcoming barrier disabling my ability to
make informed decisions. The easy way out that allows me to be in a state of
drift, sitting on the fence watching my feet walk down wrong paths unknown.
With each brick that I place the voice of God fades a bit more and a bit
more. The time bomb ticks louder ready to blow up the era where I walked with
God, talked with God, listened intently with my heart and mind to the words of
God.
Before each brick there’s a tick, followed by a tock, before each brick
kisses a brick there’s a tick- tock, instead of the sound of stone hitting
stone when bricks clash there is the ticking clock and like a comic with sound
effects in speech bubbles, the sound effects of my bricks flashes white before
me shouting tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock
My secure wall feels so sure right next to me, so close I smell the
earthy-ness of each brick and the soil of its birth, flashing me back in time
to visions of unknown hands forming each bar. I feel myself becoming one with
it, in love with it, intertwined passionately like lovers refusing to part,
with it. It is then I discover I’ve allowed it, this wall and the space within
to become my world.
Each time I hear tick-tock vibrating in my brain it drives me insane in
the membrane. Trapped and internally caged, emotionally imprisoned, I am
enraged. I just want to scream like Janet and Michael Jackson trapped in their monochrome
spaceship world as the place within the realms of my wall evaporates. Once my
protector, the wall circles me like a predator not the one that versus aliens
more like the one called Mufust that hunts in strife modem behind the scenes,
planning and watching and waiting and lusting.
I’m its prey and its time for me to be devoured, consumed into its acids
that will burn my life away. I am trying to run but the wall steals my breath
away like a boa constrictor it slides into place and begins to tighten, slowly
suffocating my life away.
I close my eyes and let a tear escape in a cry for help, my lips part
silently, slowly, dehydration dryness covers each syllable, as I mouth words confidently
and fearfully. Help me to break free, I believe.
Copyright © 2016 Sonneteer Articulates (aka Traysi Matthew, Traysi Speaks)
All rights reserved. No portion of this post may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or by otherwise without the express written permission from Sonneteer Articulates (aka Traysi Matthew, Traysi Speaks)
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